Excerpt from Act 1 Scene 2 of "A Certain Singing Teacher"

DOORBELL RINGS

FRANCINE

Sam Saller. (calls) The door's open.

SAM

(enters  carrying a pile of library books  on  one arm,  a bulging briefcase in the other hand. He[she]  is  careful not  to  look  at the piano/keyboard)

SAM

I know it, I'm late again, the story of my life...

FRANCINE

You're not too late, Sam.

SAM

It's a plot, I know it's a plot.  I had to wait in line at the library nearly ten minutes.   I hit all the red lights and...(drops briefcase,  slams books onto telephone table,  knocks  phone underneath)  The phone. Clumsy me. (dives under table) Don't worry, I'll get it.

FRANCINE

A new set of library books this week, Sam?

 SAM

(under table) Phobias, natural health  and lucid dreams.

FRANCINE

Good combination.

SAM

(backing out with phone) Oh it's the best one  for me.  The  only  one, really, under  the  circumstances.  It’s caught on the cord. (pulls) It's all right, I've  got it.  (bangs head, drops phone, glasses off) My glasses, I can’t see without my glasses.

FRANCINE

(pulls  SAM out from under) Leave the  phone, Sam.  I'll  get  your glasses.(drops down on  knees  to  get glasses)

SAM

(stands  immobilized) You have no idea how difficult my life is. Every time I...

FRANCINE

Don't worry about it. (gets up, puts  glasses in SAM'S hand) Give me your music and we'll get started.

SAM

(puts on glasses, is facing piano/keyboard, does an abrupt about  turn right against FRANCINE. He [she] is frozen  there)  Oh yes my music... I know I have that. I would never forget my music.

FRANCINE

(backs  away)  Good, then we can  start  your lesson.(moves  around him [her] to piano/keyboard, sits) You're very  tense today, Sam, we should start with breathing.

SAM

My music, I think it's in my coat.

FRANCINE

Breathing first, music will follow.  Put  your hands on your diaphragm and  take  a deep breath in... (does so)

SAM

(looks  around  room avoiding piano/keyboard)  My  coat.  I don't  see my coat.

FRANCINE

(stops breathing exercise)  Your coat I take it,  has something to do with finding your music.

SAM

 I’ll stay calm.   No hysteria. It's simply a matter of Thought Category Retrieval.

FRANCINE

Thought category what?

SAM

 Retrieval.  To find my coat, I will use Thought Category Retrieval. That's  where  you package your actions into short accessible segments and then retrace your steps back  to the source of the problem. (holds up book) Manfred's Theory of Easy Mind Control.

FRANCINE

It would be useful to have your music, Sam.

SAM

(faces  away  from  piano/keyboard)I  left  the  house  at 10:02:25 and arrived at the library at 10:13:47.

FRANCINE

Don't tell me you're into running too.

SAM

Running?  (disbelief, picks up one of  his[her] books) Running's  very  bad for you Ms. Lasalle, didn't  you  know that?  I read an article  in "Live Longer - Get Natural"...

 FRANCINE

       I think we should get at your lesson, Sam.

SAM

I  know I had the music when I went into  the  library. It was in the inside pocket of my  raincoat...

FRANCINE

I don’t think you were wearing a raincoat  when  you came in.

SAM

(panics) Are you sure? I must have been. I...

FRANCINE

Sam, we're wasting valuable time here.  We'll use my music.

SAM

Sam  Saller's Revised Progressive Jazz version  of your song... lost forever.

FRANCINE

Another new jazz version?

SAM

(starts  to  sing his version, wails  notes)  I'm, I'm,  I'm, I'm, oh God I'm not ever, not ever, not  in  this life, gonna understand, be able to get over....

FRANCINE

Sam?  A scale first.  We'll start with C. (sounds note)

SAM

There  wouldn't be time for me to go back  to  the library first?

FRANCINE

(getting  exasperated)  If  it's absolutely necessary, phone the library.

SAM

Good  idea. (tries phone then dives under table) The cord seems  to be disconnected.

FRANCINE

Look Sam, we've already wasted ten minutes of your  lesson.   I'm sure no one in Kraymer's Corners is going to steal your raincoat from the library. (sounds note again)

SAM

(crawls  slowly  out from table,  stands  back  to piano) The raincoat is nothing, a mere material  acquisition but the music... the music...

FRANCINE

Maybe  we should cancel the lesson.  Book  it for another day.

SAM

(back  still  to  piano) Oh  no,  it's  absolutely crucial that I have a lesson today.

FRANCINE

Then  wouldn't  it be more logical  to  stand over here, close to the piano?

SAM

I can't.

FRANCINE

What do you mean you can't.

SAM

I can't look at the piano.

FRANCINE

Sam...

SAM

I know it sounds dumb, infantile, insane but  there it is and I have to deal with it. I've got this problem.

FRANCINE

I see...

 SAM

It all has to do with the dream I had last night.

FRANCINE

Sam, I'm generally very patient but ...

SAM

I  knew you'd understand. You're the most  wonderful, understanding person in the whole world. (bitterly)  If my  life had been different... if my mother hadn't  run  off with an electric heater salesman when I was three... if  I'd  had a teacher like you  in  high school...I  might  of been there at  Julliard  today...  Sam Saller, Jazz Sensation of the Century.

FRANCINE

Sam, we've got to get on with your lesson.

SAM

I know, I'm probably your most difficult student and I try, I really do. But all my life I've had these blocks, these phobias and this week it's.. it's...

FRANCINE

This week it's... (gestures and nods, trying to get him [her] to go on)

SAM

Piano phobia.

FRANCINE

Piano phobia?

SAM

I went to the library first thing this morning but I couldn't find anything really specific on the topic.

 FRANCINE

I'm not surprised.

SAM

If I don't deal with this phobia my whole life... may be over.

FRANCINE

 Sam I’m sure you... you can stand up to this.  Sometime’s life is tough.

SAM

That's  the whole point. Right now I'm at  one  of those turning points and it's crucial, paramount. I have to deal with it.

FRANCINE

This is becoming painful.

SAM

 You're so understanding.

FRANCINE

Do I have a choice?

SAM

 All  my life it's been one phobia after the  other and then last night...

FRANCINE

Are you sure you wouldn't rather go home?

SAM

Oh  no, oh no. That would be entirely  wrong.  I'm not  sure  I  can tell you this. It's so  personal.  I'm  so embarrassed, especially with someone like you. I...

FRANCINE

Spit it out, Sam.

SAM

Because of what happened last night I'm...I'm in a state of "phobia transference".

FRANCINE

Okay...

 SAM

For the past three months it's been door knobs.

FRANCINE

Doorknobs?

SAM

I discovered I had developed a phobia to doorknobs but after I started wearing gloves, I  thought I  had it under control.  Dr. Friendly's Six Steps  for  Self Hypnosis.   Before  last  night,  it  was  all   working   so well.(almost breaks down)

FRANCINE

Sam, it's all right, you can tell me.

SAM

Last night I had this dream.

FRANCINE

On  second thought, I'm not sure I  can  cope with this.

SAM

But  you have to. I have no one else in the  whole world to talk to. You're the only one who understands.

FRANCINE

Logical role for a singing teacher.

SAM

In  my dream I was working at the Co-op,  back  in the fertilizer section. It was all dark and I started  singing  the sixth revision of my jazz version of your  song.  I was the head liner. My own backup... Licorice stick, horn and this amazing piano. There I was, Sam Saller , it was incredible! Every bridge another improv.  Louder and louder, especially  the  piano... (almost breaks  down)  Louder  and louder!  The piano started to drown me out. I climbed  up  on  the fertilizer bags and shouted but it wouldn't listen.  It began inching closer and closer and even though no one  was playing it, the keys were hammering. All my chords,  ruined, distorted, louder and closer and... (starts to choke)

FRANCINE

Have you ever thought of professional help?

SAM

(oblivious,  walks  as  if  sleepwalking  directly toward  piano) I couldn't move. I knew I couldn't  move  and the piano kept getting closer and closer and...

FRANCINE

 Sam look out!

SAM

(crashes into piano, loses glasses) It's  happening again. I'm doomed, I'm doomed. (flails)

FRANCINE

(retrieves  him [her], pulls him [her] back to  couch) Stay right here. (gets glasses) This is ridiculous. I  can't teach you a lesson when you're in a state like this.

SAM

I'm a failure. My whole life is a failure.

 FRANCINE

(moves  him [her] around, sits beside him [her] on couch)  Why don't you stay here while I make you a cup of coffee.

SAM

Oh I never drink coffee. It's so bad for you.  All that caffeine...

FRANCINE

Tea? 

SAM

Herbal. I only drink herbal.

FRANCINE

I don't have any.

SAM       (leaps  over  back of couch for  briefcase) I  have some.  I  carry it everywhere I go. (rummages)  Here's  one. (hands it to FRANCINE)

FRANCINE

Placidly Peach...

SAM

Maybe I'd have time to check at the library...

FRANCINE

(moves  him [her] around, sits him [her] on the  couch again) You stay right here. All these dreams and  phobias... Even I'm becoming confused (goes to kitchenette)

SAM

I confuse everyone, including  myself. It's always been like this. I never do anything right. I...

    DOORBELL RINGS

 FRANCINE

 Damn. Not again.

SAM

(leapfrogs  over couch to door) I'll get it.  I'll get  it. (opens door) Come in, come in, you're just in  time for herbal tea.

HILLARY

(barges  in) Yeh,  well I've got this important  message for Ms. Lasalle.

FRANCINE

(calls)  Is that you Hillary? Did you  forget something?

HILLARY

(shouts)  You're wanted on the  phone... downstairs.

FRANCINE

       ( enters from kitchenette) Who would be calling me  on the phone downstairs?

HILLARY

Search  me.  Rock wanted  cigs  and  we stopped in downstairs and Carl, the guy that runs the  place says, “You take singing from that chick upstairs?  Some  nut wants her on the phone.”

                    HILLARY SEEMS TO RECOGNIZE SAM. THEY EYE EACH OTHER                     AND HILLARY GIVES HIM [HER] THE FINGER.

SAM

(leaps back over the couch) I'll make the tea.

FRANCINE

( marches to door) We're really in the middle  of a  lesson  here so... you show me where the phone  is  downstairs, Hillary and... 

HILLARY

(stares  at SAM) Yeh, well I'll be there in  a minute.   I think I left my lipstick in the bathroom.

FRANCINE

I'll  be right back, Sam. I'm really  sorry about this. (fast exit)

HILLARY

The  intellectual of Kraymer's High  is  into music?

SAM

Progressive jazz.

HILLARY

You sing progressive jazz.

SAM

My  own arrangements mostly. I'm saving for Julliard.

HILLARY

Never heard of it.

SAM

It's only the best music school in North America.

HILLARY

You still at the Co-op?

SAM

For the time being.

HILLARY

In a couple of weeks, soon  as I win the singing competition, I'm outa The Blue Heron.

SAM

Singing competition?

HILLARY

 CFQJ's  "Small  Town  Big Talent Contest". Don't you listen to CFQJ?

 SAM

You take lessons here too?

HILLARY

Oh  yeh,  and I'm like "that" (crosses  fingers) with  the  "teach", just like you used to be back  in  highschool.

SAM

You remember me from highschool?

HILLARY

 You  were away ahead of me but everyone  knew Sam Egghead Saller. I thought you'd have gone on to  university or something like that.

SAM

Actually, I'm working on a jazz arrangement of one of Ms. La Salle's songs.

HILLARY

 Yeh,  well she wrote a song especially for  me.

FRANCINE

(enters,  upset)  I  didn't  think you'd still be here Hillary.

HILLARY

Hey,  I can take a hint. Wail your heart out there, Sammy. (exits)

FRANCINE

You two know each other.

SAM

 He [She] remembers me from highschool.

FRANCINE

(looks at watch) Only ten minutes left,  Sam. We  should be able to do a few scales and go over your  song once.

SAM

What's this about a talent contest?

 FRANCINE

 You want to enter too, I suppose.

SAM

(leaps over couch again) I know what I'm trying to do is probably beyond most of them, the judges I mean of that (sniff) little contest but I think I should try, that is if you think I'm good enough.

FRANCINE

(goes to piano) Did you catch the date of the competition?

SAM

A couple of weeks.  That’s what snippy Miss Hillary said.

FRANCINE

I didn’t think you two hit it off.  A couple of weeks?  As in two weeks?

SAM

I don’t know, MS. Lasalle, honest.  I’m quoting dubious second hand information.

FRANCINE

Two weeks.  How will I ever get all of you ready in two weeks?

SAM

I beg your pardon.  As far as I know, I’m the only one here.  (Looks around, worried) Unless, of course, you can verify otherwise.

FRANCINE

Sorry, Sam.  Sorry.  Just thinking out loud, in general terms, so to speak.  The most important thing, right now, is to start some scales.

SAM

Of  course  it's very likely you don't  think  I'm good  enough to go into the competition.  It's probably quite insane of me  to  suggest that I am.

FRANCINE

(sits) What you're doing is unusual, Sam,  to say the least.

SAM

The  story  of my life. Always the odd  ball,  the misfit, a broken ship adrift in the storm of life.

FRANCINE

How poetic.

SAM

I  knew you'd appreciate it. I write  poetry  too. I'll bring some in next time.

FRANCINE

I think we should concentrate on some scales.

SAM

Sam Saller, jazz sensation of the century...

FRANCINE

(sounds  a note) A scale Sam, you can  do  it from over there.

 SAM

(freezes) I'll imagine its a clavichord.

FRANCINE

(sounds note) Or a harp.

SAM       (sings his [her] own jazz version of the scale)

FRANCINE

How about doing one straight.

SAM

I'll need some extra lessons. Today hasn't exactly been productive for me.

FRANCINE

Well, join the club.  Every lesson today, nothing but interruptions.

SAM

I was going to ask you about the phone call.

FRANCINE

The phone call is very personal, Sam. I don't wish to discuss it.

SAM

I'm  sorry,  I'm always butting in where  I  don't belong. It's because I have this great need to...

FRANCINE

Sam,  it would be good to  get through the song, at least once.

SAM

(leaps  back over couch) I think I'll try it  from behind the screen.

FRANCINE

 At this point Sam, anything, to get on with it.

SAM

(dives behind screen) Chords, all I need are basic chords.

FRANCINE

I'll give you an intro. (plays intro,  waits. Repeats at least twice more) Sam?

SAM

(waves) I just remembered the tea.

FRANCINE

Five  minutes, Sam, I can give you five  more minutes. (intro again)

SAM

(sings)  I'm, I'm, I'm, oh God I'm not  ever,  not ever,  not  in  this life,  this  l...ife,  through, through, THROUGH with you...ou...ou...

DOORBELL RINGS

FRANCINE

(slams  piano keys) That's it.  Lesson  over. Day over and possibly...  Teaching career  over.

  DOORBELL RINGS

FRANCINE

(strides  to door) This better  be  important because if it's not... (opens door) Yes?

DELIVERY MAN

(nazal)  A  lettergram Mam, from  Gilcrest Courier Service. It comes to $13.77. Sign here please.

FRANCINE

$13.77? Who on earth is sending me a lettergram that costs $13.77?

DELIVERY MAN

(reads) Fairfax Talent  ...

FRANCINE

...Agency. From A. Jerk Fairfax. I don't want it.

 DELIVERY MAN

$7.50 for the message, $5.00 for  delivery and $1.27 for our boys in Ottawa. (smiles broadly)

FRANCINE

Out of the question.

DELIVERY MAN

I can't do anything about the tax,  Mam. If you want to complain, take it up with your local MP.

FRANCINE

I'm not complaining, I'm refusing.

DELIVERY MAN

 Refusal costs an extra $3.25. Sign  here please.

FRANCINE

I'm  not signing anything. And you  can  tell Mr. Allan Fairfax...

DELIVERY MAN

Return messages cost...

FRANCINE

I don't want the message, I am not sending an answer and I'm extremely busy.

DELIVERY MAN

(takes  large stamp from pocket,  stamps telegram) "Refused Delivery". Time... (looks at watch) Would you happen to have the time?

FRANCINE

You  really  want to know what  time  it  is? (pause) It's... it's almost 12:30 and I'm away behind schedule.

DELIVERY MAN

Most  people in these parts are friendly. You must be new. 

FRANCINE

Good day. (slams door)

SAM

(appears  from  behind screen with tray  and  tea) I've made some tea for you, Ms. La Salle, Placid Peach.   It's good for the nerves.

         BLACKOUT